This week for the Pagan Blog Project I decided to write about insecurities. I have been thinking about this a lot lately so it worked out well that this is "I" week 1.
There are times when my inner voice is telling me something and I keep it to myself for fear of what people may think. Or during my meditations if I get a message I fear telling anyone. In fact, just saying here that I get messages during meditation raises my heart rate a bit.
I think many of these insecurities come from 2 main areas.
1) How we are raised.
I was raised to always find the logical explanation for things. I was taught to analyze a situation and find all possible reasons and all possible outcomes. While this is a good practice in some aspects of life, say science class, it actually hinders living life. Recently I had my aura read and was told I have a guide over my shoulder who has a message for me. So I have started to meditate and listen for her. I asked for her name, I heard a whisper say "Sophia". I had a debate with myself for a long time about this. My intuitive self was saying "she told me her name, how lovely", the part of me that is holding on to the beliefs I was taught was saying "you just wanted to hear a name so you created one". In essence I was taught to ignore those inner feelings, those intuitions and ancestral memories. This makes it difficult to trust myself, even when I know what my authentic self believes.
So often I see people who try to take advantage of others using "psychic" abilities. While I believe that we all have the ability to be psychic and many people have learned how to access this in themselves. I also feel there are many out there who are just trying to make a buck off of people. It is these posers that the majority of society think of when they think about psychics. Now I do not consider myself psychic in the least. However, if I were to tell someone that I get messages from my guide Sophia they may put me in the same category as these posers, or just think I'm nuttier than a squirrel turd. What I don't want is my children to have to feel that everyone thinks their mom is the crazy one.
In fact, I can narrow down where by biggest insecurities took over to one defining moment in my life.
I had been rather vocal about things with a small group of people, one of them being a girl who had been one of my closest friends for about 20 years. She was a like-minded soul so I could talk to her about things. Now I am a big believer in signs. I think sometimes the Divine sends signs to us to help us in making decisions. I had been struggling with a issue in my life and had been seeing a lot of signs pointing me in one direction. So spoke to my friend about all of these signs as I was excited to have seen them. She then called my brother and suggested they do an intervention on me because she believed I was on drugs or drinking excessively. Luckily my brother, while an atheist and doubter of everything, knows me very well and laughed it off.
That event caused me keep a lot to myself. But even more upsetting is it made me begin to question myself. To develop insecurities about what my inner voice tells me. I am trying to get better. I get closer all the time. Now I can say something to certain people, but I still surround it with safety nets.... I told my hubby "I think I maybe have some signs I could possibly be an empath". You see, I strive for the day that I can say "I am an empath" because that is what I feel, what my inner self knows. But even as I type it I think of all those that will question, or try to dismiss or prove me wrong. There are just too many people out there looking to tear others down.
So this is my biggest lesson. To trust myself. To put myself out there for others and for myself. I can not truly connect with the Divine if I can not connect fully with what I believe and who I am. I must fight these insecurities. This blog is my first battle with them, I hope I win.
Thank you for reading. I welcome all comments!!