Goddess Women

So my head has been all swirly after a Full Moon Prayer Circle that took place at my home this week, so I thought I would write out whats spinning around in there so I can work some stuff out. In fact, I think this may also end up in my online Spiritual Journal. Lets begin.... at the beginning.

When I moved here I really wanted a social circle of women around me that were like-minded. I didn't require that they be Pagan and believe exactly as I do, since I believe no 2 paths are the same. But I wanted to surround myself with Goddess women. Women who embrace who they are shadows and all. Women who are caring and positive, non, judgmental, and who want to share their light with the world. Women who are also looking for a bond with other female energy. When I could not find a group like this, I created one on social media just for those in my area.

When I created the group I made it women only. I did this for a number of reasons. My husband is gone a lot for work so out of respect to him, as well as safety. I find that male energy shifts the energy in the room. Many women do not seem to relate the same or behave the same when a male energy is present. Most men I have met seem to 'take over' or try to be the leader in some sense and I didn't want this group to be a hierarchy, but more of a council, a gathering, with everyone taking her turn showcasing her beauty and gifts. When I started the group I was sure no one would join, just as so many parties I have tried to throw with no guests arriving. To my surprise the numbers grew quickly. This made my heart soar. But it wasn't until our first large get together that I realized not only the amazing group I am a part of, but also why I truly started the group and what I really needed from them all.

Our first gathering was a prayer circle done on the Full Moon. The energy was high and it was soooo positive. I am a shy person by nature around strangers, so to have to 'run' anything is very difficult around people I do not know. It all went wonderfully, but it wasn't really until the next day when it all really hit home.

As I reflected on the evening before I had a realization. Hmmmmmm.... how to begin this part?

You see my mother died one week after my 14th birthday. I was raised in a house with just my dad and my brother. My dad was raised in a way that I would consider very cold, so he did not learn how to show love although he tried in his own way (usually in the form of cash.. "hey I love you heres $20 for a movie" kinda way). I never had anyone step into that motherly role. I never had any elder female to look up to or learn from. As life went on I tried to find some.... they all also died (yes there is a trend of this in my life, including my first husband and later my father). But you see this has kept me from really embracing my female energy. I have worked to become independent to not need anyone (you know cus they all die anyway). I wanted to be a tough independent woman. The problem with this is that it has kept me from being able to admit I needed an elder female in my life. It has kept me from being able to ask for help, advice and comfort. I am taking ASL courses and you must look everyone in the eye, I can not do this. I can not do this with my husband. I feel too vulnerable. I don't want to be vulnerable.... I want to be that tough independent woman. But to be tough, I must be vulnerable. In order to help others, I must be able to ask for help myself.

As I was processing all of this information about myself I started thinking about women in general. And I realized something else. I realized that once the Feminine Divine was forced into the background of society there was a shift. Women went from being the wise ones, the healers, the council. How we once worked together, we were now separated. Kept at home away from each other to tend only to the home. Once we were separated it was easy to divide and conquer. I believe this is when the comparing came into being. We began to compare ourselves to the other women. Who keeps a better home, who looks better, who raises a better family. I'm sure this was perpetuated by those in charge to not only keep us doing for them, but also to keep us fighting amongst ourselves so that bringing the Feminine Divine back into our lives would be that much more difficult. And there was another shift. We started getting some power back. But as a group we have all been fighting to show that we are tough independent women. We have been afraid to be vulnerable. We have been comparing and judging each other for so long we must re-learn how to just be with each other. We have to remember that we can not only learn from each other but teach each other so much.

That is what this group did, with only one meeting. This group reminded me that while I look to the Goddess as my mother now, I still need yearn for elders to inspire and teach me. That I do have things to teach others. That strength is not only found in independence but also in vulnerability.  But most importantly it showed me how wonderful it is to be bathed in the feminine power and energy. I will teach what I can and learn so much from every one of my wonderful Goddess Women!!

OCCUPY!!

Occupy!! But not just anything... Occupy your Soul.
I took some time today to just walk around in nature. No rush. No destination. Just being there. And while I walked thinking of nothing in particular I started thinking about my soul. I started wondering why I don't do this more. I feel so at peace here. The pace is perfect. My brain slows down. So why don't I do this more? And I realized that I am at war with my soul. That while I am the 99% that should have control over my soul... its that 1% from others that does
.

I don't do more things for my soul because when I do I get wartime interrogations. You know the ones.... "why didn't you get (insert chore) done?".... "what did you do today?" ..... even from myself.... "I should be doing (whatever)".... "I could be doing so many of my errands right now". ... "I should hurry up so I can get more done today".  Why am I so hard on my soul. Why can't I just let it be at peace? I have made my soul a prisoner of this war inside myself. And we all do it to each other. We some how find it OK to question what people have done. What they are doing with their life. As if they need our stamp of approval.

 "Oh, you haven't cleaned your house because you decided to read a book... mmmm... sorry not good enough."

Oh, you haven't cleaned you house because you were running errands and volunteering at your childs school, thats fine".

Why must I question what my soul wants? If it wants to read, or walk, or do some underwater basket weaving then I should let it. Truth is, the reason is in the question.... why?  The problem is that we continue to ask this question of ourselves and others. But should the answer really matter that much?

Often times when I am driving I see the signs for a scenic overlook. Every time I see a sign I want to go look at it, but I never do. I don't stop because I ask myself "why". Why do I need to go there. What will I do. Whats the point. Sometimes I see a road and wonder where it goes and my soul wants to go see. But my mind asks why. Why do I need to go there. What if there is nothing there. How will I know when to turn around.

Its like my mind thinks my soul is an idiot. I apparently don't trust myself. Its as if I will go adventure down a road with no destination and never come back. WTF is up with that?

I need to let my soul out. Let it shine... let it sparkle.

I need to feed my soul.... Feed it glitter and sunshine.

So I have decided to write a list.... a Soul Glitter list..... What is my soul glitter.... what will make my soul sparkle? This list will be made up of things I like to do..... I want to do.... or anything else I think does or will make my soul sparkle!!








I welcome comments!

Neverland... wheres my map?

I couldn't think of anything for "N" but then it hit me.... Neverland!! I always wanted to go to Neverland because it was the place of eternal youth. As we mature and grow we really do lose some of the fun aspects of ourselves. We really need to look for the balance.

I find that often times I hold myself back from really letting loose. This is usually because of the people around me. For instance, if I am with my children I really do try not to embarrass them. My husband on the other hand is the complete opposite in this regard and behaves however he wishes with little regard to who is around and how it will affect them. Which of course has led to some arguments.

This is why its about balance.... isn't everything in life about balance?

We need to find ways to live in our Neverland while still taking others into consideration. Now I'm not saying that we need to completely squelch who we are because of others, just keep them in mind. For instance, teenagers who are in the "imaginary audience" stage of life thinking everyone is watching them all the time should be thought of, trying to keep things at a minimum and being aware of what may make their life difficult. Especially the way kids are bullied today. On the other hand, these same kids need to see that its OK to be who you are and the world will not end if you do.

Also while behaving like a "Lost One" (because I think girls should be found in Neverland too, I wont call them all boys) from Neverland we need to look at our situation and those around us. This is not about "what will people think of me" it is about others feelings.  Will this offend? Will this interfere with someone else? Will this hurt? Is this unkind? After we decided if this is appropriate behavior... just harmless fun.... then we can proceed.

This is the benefit to being an adult.... we have foresight and can make these choices before acting.
Unfortunately, I usually error on the side of caution and then do not act for fear that I will hurt someones feelings or bother them in some way. See this is my problem. I need to be able to find the balance with Neverland. I want to find my Neverland. To be able to do some things without overthinking. You see after I start thinking about the people around and how they will feel then I start thinking about all the other adult things that kill fun. You know things like... how much of a mess will this make that I have to clean up later.... or..... someone needs to be 100% attentive to the baby.  While I allowed others to have fun... make the mess.... I have become a fun-hater in my own life. Holding myself back.

I watched a show the other day where a bunch of women jumped in a pool with their fancy dresses on.... and I thought I would love to do something fun like that.... then I started thinking ...  about the dress and how will it be ruined and do they have other dry clothes to put on... and what about their hair and makeup..... seriously WTF.... I can't even THINK about doing something fun without ruining it!!

I think this comes from so many years of being the responsible one. When my mom died when I was 14 I took on a lot of responsibility.... then when my first husband died when I was 27 I had to raise 2 kids on my own .... more responsibility...... I am the responsible one. This has also made it so that everyone knows that I am the responsible one ... so they don't have to be...... so when fun is happening they don't have to ... clean up the mess afterward or be completely aware of the baby..... and I start to feel when I try to join in and let someone else take that responsibility they are not completely focused on what needs to be done and I have to jump in and be the responsible one anyway ...... Oh goodie more responsibility!!

I am finding that I am craving Neverland.... craving the ability to be free and fun. But I think it is easier to go from being carefree to responsible because that is the natural order of things.... it is much more difficult to go backward. Even now as I sit and think about how to do it... how to get to Neverland...... I start planning.... "OK, so I will need to talk to my husband and kids and make sure they will pick of the slack...... who will watch the baby.... and not just "kinda" watch the baby since that is what they are used to because they have always had me there to have all of my attention on her"..... there see...... I've already taken the fun out of fun. It would be so much easier if there was someone who would take all the responsibility for me and allow me to have some fun.... but you see, I have given everyone the gift of being the fun ones all the time they don't want to give it up. So the question becomes .... if I change.... will they change too?

I know that I NEED to find Neverland.... a change has to happen ... or I will have a breakdown! I must find my map to Neverland.

I need to Love my life again. I need to find my sparkle. I need to forget my age. I need to find what makes my he♥rt sing!

I welcome Comments!

Be Mindful

For "M" I will discuss being mindful. I think that being Mindful is one of the most important things we can do in life. Being Mindful is just being aware, with no judgement of what is. Living in the moment. How often do you live in the moment. I know that most times we are really only in the moment in times of meditation. While I am a huge proponent of meditation and I believe that it should be done everyday, I think that we need to learn how to take this meditation with us.
Many people say that meditation is difficult and clearing the mind is too hard. But being mindful can put you in a state of meditation and can be done throughout the day. We need to escape the notion that meditation must be done in a seated position in a quiet room. Yes, this is one way to do it, and a very nice way that I enjoy doing it. But being mindful is so much more.
Being Mindful is looking at the world with new fresh eyes. Take a moment now, look around like you have never been in this room before. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? Does it feel different than it did when you started? Too often we get so used to our surroundings that everything becomes wallpaper... we don't even notice things anymore.

My favorite way to remind myself to be mindful... and a great way to introduce yourself to meditation.... or to get in some meditation time if you are short on time... is in the shower. While you are in the shower become completely present in the moment. Don't rush through. Don't be on autopilot. Feel the water hit your skin. Note the temperature. Listen to the water hit the shower walls and floor. Smell the scents of your shampoos and soaps. Does your shower feel different. Does time seem to slow down. How about your breathing? Did it slow down too? This is what being mindful can do for you. This is how our bodies and minds are meant to live. Not focused on the past or the future, but in the moment.

I welcome comments!

Learning about my Authentic Self

I decided to talk about learning for my "L" post. I think because one trait I see with most Pagans I meet is that they are either looking to learn or teaching. Of course I think we are all always learning. Learning about ourselves, each other, our faith, everything in life. Once we stop learning than life ceases, for once you know everything than what is the point?

I can only speak for myself here, but I think there are many others who will see similarities. When I first began this path I grabbed all of the recommended "beginner" books that all the sites and people say to start with. (Now, I'm not going to mention titles here because I do not think there is anything innately wrong with these books, and do not want which books they were to be the focus of this).  Unfortunately as I grew into my path as well as into myself I realized these were all the wrong books to start with.
Yes, these basic books teach you what tools to use, how to cast a circle, and a few basic spells. They teach you that you are to honor nature and all that is.... you know the basics. But there is something even more basic that we need to know FIRST. And that is .... wait for it.... Me!... well you..... you, know your Authentic Self.

You need to know who YOU are. You need to know what your core values and beliefs are. I didn't need to read a book to tell me what my beliefs are or what I value. Once I truly found my authentic self I realized that the answers aren't in the books. They are in me. And while the books can offer me inspiration and some good info, they are not the end all be all of my Spirituality. Most beginner books tell you to cast a circle for a variety of different reasons, this never felt right to me. I can do my work much better without the circle. Until I had found my Authentic Self I was stuck where many people are, thinking that I HAD to cast a circle, because the books say so, and all the people I talk to say so.

Learning who we are at our soul level is the highest education we can find. it affords us the ability to live and walk our path in our own personal way, bringing us closer to the Divine. The closer you are to your authentic self the closer you are to the Divine in you. I also think that once you have learned about your authentic self and are living your authentic life than what others are doing, how they practice their faith becomes of little consequence to you. Once I learned this important lesson I have found it easier to let my Divine light shine, I have found my confidence in my beliefs and practices. All while at the same time allowing others to live their own authentic self. This was the best lesson I could have learned on my path.

I welcome comments,
Blissings and Love!

Kinship

Holy Zebras! Been gone from this blog for so long. We moved to a new state and things got all topsy turvey. But we are all settled and I'm getting ready to start back to college next week, so I better try to catch up a little here. I was doing the Pagan Blog Project but I'm about 8 or 9 weeks behind, so I will continue a little on my own here.

Looks like I left off on K. I think with this letter I will talk about kinship. That longing for a relationship that feels like family, but a relationship built out of a similar qualities and affinities.  I think as Pagans we are all looking for this kinship. Maybe not a coven exactly, but a group of people who have the same values and beliefs that we can confide in and gain support from. Especially when we are in a difficult situation and the "others" try to comfort with words of faith that do not fit our own path. This makes for an uncomfortable situation. I think this is why I plan to become a Pagan Pastoral Counselor. I think our community really needs more support systems in place. I also recently began a FB group for women in my local area. I did this because I needed it. I searched and searched and there was not a group that fit what I needed from my Pagan Kin. So I created it. While it is still in its infancy I have hope that I will connect with my Pagan Sisters and find what I am longing for. The fact that the group began to build so quickly only supported my knowledge that there are many of us out there looking for Kin.

Sadly though I think many of us have been hurt by our Pagan Kin with the whole "Big Brother" attitude, you know that "I have been doing this longer, know more than you, and want all of you newer than me to sit in awe at my brilliance" behavior. This turns so many of us off and makes us timid to embrace our kin. We really need to look around our Pagan Family and accept our roles as supportive, caring family who love each other without the condition that everyone do it like us. Nothing in this world is one size fits all. We may not get along with all of our kin, but we shouldn't let that stop us from finding the ones who will be exactly what we need. Find your Kin, treat them well, and lets reconnect our Pagan Family.

I welcome comments!
Blissings and Love!

Joy - Misery loves company, but JOY breeds JOY =D

I thought for my first "J" in the Pagan Blog Project I would write about joy. I think sometimes we are afraid of joy. I know we all strive to be happy, but what happens once we are?

So often I think once joy is found in our lives we immediately begin waiting for the other shoe to drop. We start thinking about what could go wrong or "it won't last". Being Pagan I am fully aware of how the energy we send out comes back. So if that is the energy sent out then of course it won't last. We need to embrace joy. Love joy. And spread joy to others.

Its sad really. Think of all the instances you see this happen. If someone you know begins telling you about the shitty time they are having, you know the country song story.... my significant other left me, my dog died, I lost my job, people around them start joining in. "Yep, I'm having a hard time too, my friend and I got into a fight... yada yada". Why do we do this? Do we think it helps them? I think we do it because we don't want to make them feel worse because we are joyful in our lives and they are not at the moment. All this ends up doing is bringing us down. We lose our joy. We begin to focus on whatever may not be running completely smoothing in our life. Well hey guess what!! Its OK for you to be joyful!! Maybe telling them something happy will cheer them up! Embrace your Joy!!

Bad things happen. That's life. Those bad things help shine a big bright light on the good things. So be thankful you can see something as not working in your life, or you will never find the things that are working.

Have you ever had a feeling that something big was gonna happen and immediately you start thinking "Oh no. Whats coming now?"  For some reason we think that we only get these feelings when something bad is gonna happen. We think that we are only surrounded by the Divine when we need comforting. But that's not the case. Sometimes Divine and spirits or our ancestors are with us during times of joy as well. They gather with us to celebrate.

We need to stop being so afraid of joy. We need to stop diminishing our joy for others. We need to start spreading our joy to all we meet and embrace it and allow it to happen fully and completely.

What are you doing to embrace and spread joy?


Thank you for reading. I welcome all comments.

Isolation

Trying to decide what to write my second "I" about this week in the Pagan Blog Project I had no one to bounce ideas off of. So that is what I decided to write about... Isolation.

I know many Pagans who feel isolated and alone. In many groups I am a part of people state they are far from others of like-mind.

In my case, I live in a very small town and my husband is traveling for work. So I am here in a town that is very conservative with no one of like-mind. This can make me feel very alone and isolated. I end up spending the majority of my time on Facebook as it is the only interaction I get. Part of my particular isolation comes from moving to a small town. It is well known amongst us "outsiders" that you can live here for 40 years, but if you were not born here you will always be an "outsider". Isolation also happens here as I live in a very self-proclaimed "uber conservative" small town. So while my husband is gone and its just me and the kids here I feel very alone.

All of this got me thinking. Thinking about Pagans of yesteryear. Pagans (OK truthfully everyone) were all fairly isolated. And I think there is a benefit to this. A benefit that until recently I had never thought of, or appreciated. Back in the day, people were isolated living on their land and most of their time was spent only with family. This is where family traditions come into play. In these families beliefs, practices and rituals were created and passed through tradition. There was little, if any, checking what your friends were doing. People did what felt right. What their ancestral memories led them to do. People thought for themselves.

I think in this day and age of internet and communication we have lost some of this. Many who start this path are looking for the "right way" to do things. They want a teacher to explain how, what, when, where, why and validate what is done. I think this accessibility is becoming a hindrance.We are losing the ability to trust our instincts. To hear our ancestral memories.

Now I must admit that as I write this I am currently enrolled in the Women's Thealogical Institute and just started my course in magic. However, the realization that I had is this; I am using this course as a mentor not a teacher. Someplace to guide me but not give me a cookie cutter education about how things should be done. That is one of the reasons I so adore this program it is individualized for your own beliefs and practice. In our loss of isolation we have gained a belief that there is a definitive right and wrong way to practice and believe.

So I think its good to have mentors and those that will help us learn things such as herbology, but as for beliefs and practice, I think the isolation may be good for us. Forcing us to think for and trust in ourselves



Thanks for reading! I welcome all comments!

Diversity

 For my last "D" post for the Pagan Blog Project (yay all caught up now!!) I am going to write about diversity .... in a round about way. Not only is society in general a diverse place, but so are Pagans. Unfortunately, often times this diversity is shoved under a rug and society likes to pretend that minority groups, such as Pagans, are of little consequence. I feel we must stand up and show that we are as much a part of society as any other group.



So today is Pagan Coming Out Day. While I support this idea I also have some reservations about it. Let me explain.
I have the same issues with this idea as I do with LGBT community needing to "come out", in fact anyone or group that needs to "come out". Why? All of these issues are personal. You don't see straight people or Christians "coming out". No sit downs around the dinner table to say "I just wanted you all to know that "I'm straight and Christian". Nope, no need. Its only us that are not in the majority who feel we have to "come out". People should just be able to "be", without the need to explain such personal issues.
That being said, I think that because society works in such a way that there is a blanket of assumption that everyone is Christian, or straight. It is this assumption that makes days like this necessary. And not that I think people should need to announce their personal information to the public. But because people have the right to life their lives as their authentic selves. This means reading books on Witchcraft in public without fear of interrogation or insults. Celebrating Holidays that correspond with personal religions and possibly taking those days off for work without fear of harassment.  Saying mealtime blessings thanking the Gods and Goddesses of choice without snide remarks from others. Expressing love and pride for personal beliefs without concern of backlash. These are just a few of the issues that those who are of the majority do not have to worry about that those of us who are in the minority do.

Photo from the Annual Erie Pagan Pride Day, found online.

In fact, I was at a funeral recently and at one point in the service we were instructed to say the "Lords Prayer" using whatever version we so choose. I strongly wanted to use the "Ladys Prayer" version that I had found online. However, in that moment my mind had to scan who was around, who would hear, and what kind of backlash would my husband have from it, as this was a funeral for his family member. In truth, I should be able to express my religion how I choose.

This is why I support this day and this idea. It is not so that individuals can show their personal information to the world. It is so the world can see that there are many more beliefs out there. That there is a diversity not only in what is believed but in WHO believes it. Society still seems to have a stereotype in their collective head about what a Pagan looks like. Days like this show society that we don't all wear black all the time. We don't all wear broom skirts everywhere we go. We don't all live secluded secretive lives. We are teachers, lawyers, parents, authors, and everything else you can think of.

So I live my life "out" and proud  so that I can live my life with the basic  rights that others have.

I also support this day so that those who may live in fear to come out know that there are many of us out here. So they can find a safe place to go.

I am a Proud Witch!

Thank you for reading. I welcome your comments.

Dedication

OK, still have my "D" posts to do to get all caught up in the Pagan Blog Project. So here is my first D, Dedication.

Today I did a dedication ritual so I thought I would share.

Dedication to the Goddess Ritual

Although I have been on this path for over a decade and done a dedication ritual before I have created this new ritual. I am doing this now to mark a new step in my journey. I am not only rededicating myself to the Goddess, but also to my spiritual sisters. This dedication is a much deeper one than my previous one. The first one was a dedication to the path; this is a dedication to serve the Goddess.

This was done on Beltane. Beltane is a time for fertility and growth, so I choose this day so that the fertile seed of my dedication may sprout and grow. This is a time for self-discovery and personal growth. It is also the time of the Waxing moon. This is ideal to help my dedication grow, as I enter this positive change in my life.

It was done at Guernsey State Park, near the “Castle” as I feel connected to this area. (I got married here)

*I choose not to cast circles in my spiritual work. I feel that because all space is sacred there is no need to cast a circle. If I feel an area needs to be cleansed prior to work in order to dispel negativity, than I will do so with sage. 

 I began the day with a salt cleansing.

Items Used:

Ribbons

Candle

Water

Salt

Ring

I began with a grounding meditation (removing shoes) as I find meditation the best way to not only connect with myself, and the Divine, but also to raise energy. I find that in stillness I find the most energy.

After concluding my meditation I saw this image in the stone next to me. 

Speak:

This ritual will be my commitment to myself, my Sisters of the Re-Formed Congregation of the Goddess, and to the Goddess.

On this day I dedicate myself to the Goddess.

Goddess in all your forms I honor You.

I honor You with my mind, my intentions and the words I speak.

I honor You with my body, my actions and the behaviors I exhibit.

I honor You with my heart, my love and my Passion that I feel and share.

I offer to use these gifts you have bestowed me in service to you.

On this day I dedicate myself to You.

I give to You my mind to speak through, my body to act through and my heart to love through.

I vow to honor, respect and live in service to You

Take Candle

Speak:

this candle represents fire it helps me to ignite my passion  

it reminds me of my strength and

my endurance

(Light Candle) To grow

Take salt

Speak:

This salt represents earth and it will help me to root to mother earth,

It reminds me that we all come from the Goddess, and

we are all connected.

(Sprinkle on Earth) To discover

Take

Ribbons

Speak:

These Ribbons represents air it reminds helps me to reclaim myself

It reminds me to speak with right intention

To continue to become

(Tie to Tree) To Create

Take Water

Speak:

This water is to remind help me to persevere in an ever-changing world.

It reminds me to heal and

To know myself

(Pour on Ground) To Feel

Take ring and put on

Speak:

For spirit I will wear this ring. It will remind me every day my dedication to the Goddess and to the Path. And remind me to live the old ways.

As I don this ring I begin my service to the Goddess. My Service to the Goddess will not end, so shall it be in this life, so shall it be in death, and so shall it be in my next life and every life thereafter.

As I will it so mote it be



After concluding this ritual I took a walk to meditate on my new path with the Goddess. I used this walk as a time to listen to the Goddess and receive Her messages for me.
Here is what I heard and saw.
After concluding and beginning my walk I began to see many hawks flying around me. Some came close others just circled above.

I also saw many butterflies scurrying around me, which I failed to get photos of.

As I was meditating on my walk I asked the Goddess what She wanted me to do. I heard this;
"Love. Heal. Teach.... But mostly Love."
"You are now a student of the Goddess."

As I was getting in the car to leave a very large (about the size of a quarter) bee began flying around me. It flew around my head and would fly in and out of the car. Unfortunately this bee was camera shy and I could not capture an image of it.

The first thing I heard on the radio when I began to drive away was Belinda Carlisle singing "Heaven is a Place on Earth", I found this slightly funny.

As I was driving home I heard the following;
"There are no straight lines in nature, so don't expect any in your life. You have a plan to get from point A to point B, but it will not be a straight line. There will be zigs and zags, curves, detours, and even U-turns and circles. But don't worry, in the end its always beautiful."

 I sit here now with much love in my heart. Ready to start my journey.

Thank you for reading. I welcome all comments!!

Insecurities

This week for the Pagan Blog Project I decided to write about insecurities. I have been thinking about this a lot lately so it worked out well that this is "I" week 1.

I think many of us have some major insecurities when it comes to all aspects of life, but for me it is most prevalent in my "witchy" ways. I really realized this a few weeks ago when speaking about my son. You see my son has some amazing abilities. At age 2 he told me I was pregnant before I knew I was pregnant, at the time he told me I was 2 weeks along. At age 4 he predicted his fathers death. And at age 12 he again knew I was pregnant, this time I knew but we hadn't told the other kids yet. These are the major examples of what he has done. While he thinks it is cool that he has done this, he would never admit it and would never work to develop this anymore. He has a fear of what others would think of him. So my husband and I were talking about how nice it would be if he had the confidence to really explore this. It was at this point I had my light bulb moment. I do the same thing as he does. Meaning I deny my intuitions for fear of being "that crazy chick".

There are times when my inner voice is telling me something and I keep it to myself for fear of what people may think. Or during my meditations if I get a message I fear telling anyone.  In fact, just saying here that I get messages during meditation raises my heart rate a bit.

I think many of these insecurities come from 2 main areas.

1) How we are raised.
I was raised to always find the logical explanation for things. I was taught to analyze a situation and find all possible reasons and all possible outcomes. While this is a good practice in some aspects of life, say science class, it actually hinders living life. Recently I had my aura read and was told I have a guide over my shoulder who has a message for me. So I have started to meditate and listen for her. I asked for her name, I heard a whisper say "Sophia". I had a debate with myself for a long time about this. My intuitive self was saying "she told me her name, how lovely", the part of me that is holding on to the beliefs I was taught was saying "you just wanted to hear a name so you created one". In essence I was taught to ignore those inner feelings, those intuitions and ancestral memories.  This makes it difficult to trust myself, even when I know what my authentic self believes.

2) Posers
So often I see people who try to take advantage of others using "psychic" abilities. While I believe that we all have the ability to be psychic and many people have learned how to access this in themselves. I also feel there are many out there who are just trying to make a buck off of people. It is these posers that the majority of society think of when they think about psychics. Now I do not consider myself psychic in the least. However, if I were to tell someone that I get messages from my guide Sophia they may put me in the same category as these posers, or just think I'm nuttier than a squirrel turd. What I don't want is my children to have to feel that everyone thinks their mom is the crazy one.

In fact, I can narrow down where by biggest insecurities took over to one defining moment in my life.

I had been rather vocal about things with a small group of people, one of them being a girl who had been one of my closest friends for about 20 years. She was a like-minded soul so I could talk to her about things. Now I am a big believer in signs. I think sometimes the Divine sends signs to us to help us in making decisions. I had been struggling with a issue in my life and had been seeing a lot of signs pointing me in one direction. So spoke to my friend about all of these signs as I was excited to have seen them. She then called my brother and suggested they do an intervention on me because she believed I was on drugs or drinking excessively. Luckily my brother, while an atheist and doubter of everything, knows me very well and laughed it off.

That event caused me keep a lot to myself. But even more upsetting is it made me begin to question myself. To develop insecurities about what my inner voice tells me. I am trying to get better. I get closer all the time. Now I can say something to certain people, but I still surround it with safety nets.... I told my hubby "I think I maybe have some signs I could possibly be an empath". You see, I strive for the day that I can say "I am an empath" because that is what I feel, what my inner self knows. But even as I type it I think of all those that will question, or try to dismiss or prove me wrong. There are just too many people out there looking to tear others down.

So this is my biggest lesson. To trust myself. To put myself out there for others and for myself. I can not truly connect with the Divine if I can not connect fully with what I believe and who I am. I must fight these insecurities. This blog is my first battle with them, I hope I win.





Thank you for reading. I welcome all comments!!

Heroine... Warioress.. not the drug

This week for the Pagan Blog Project is all about being a Heroine (can include hero here, but hey, I'm a woman so I go with heroine)


Heroines are courageous women who fight for what they believe. They are strong, independent and proud. They are confident and passionate. They are women I admire and look up to. I don't think that you must do something globally relevant to be a heroine. You can be a heroine to one person. Heroines don't do it for the notoriety or thank you's. They do it because it is the right thing to do.

The most important heroine in my life is....... ME! I think the most important person to be a Heroine for is yourself. It has taken me quite sometime to realize this point. I wasn't waiting around for a man to come "rescue" me or playing the damsel in distress or anything (yes I'm doing "that" analogy). Never been that type of girl. But I was waiting around for people to help me find the answers. Or tell me that I was right about something. I needed reassurance and support. And truthfully, I had many people doing those things for me, but I didn't believe them. I thought they were "just being nice". I couldn't trust them and yet felt I needed to hear it over and over. Truth is what I needed was inside of me the whole time (Thanks Glinda!!). I couldn't see that it didn't matter how many people told me, if I couldn't find it in myself then I would never be 'saved'.

I think that we are raised in a society where trusting our intuition is mocked and dismissed. This gets imprinted on the blueprint of our souls locking certain things away in the tower of our mind. We are also in a society where we are taught that helping others is of utmost importance, and that focusing on ourselves is selfish. So we begin to focus on helping others more than ourselves.

And when I say "we" I mean me, I can really only speak about my own blueprint.

Also, from a young age we are taught that if we wait long enough the perfect man will come rescue us from what ever our problem is. That we can not do it ourselves. And while I think that with each generation we are coming out of this cloud of delusion,  many of us have had this put on our blueprint already. And.... many men are finding it difficult to navigate this new blueprint as their blueprints have them believing they are the "fixers" and "rescuers" and hero's for women. This teaching our children to help others is a wonderful lesson, but we must first make sure that they know how to be their own heroines and heros. And then when it comes time to help others, it is not a swoop in and save the day attitude, but a "let me help you help yourself". 

I was so concerned with rescuing others and wanting to have all the right answers for people that I ended up leaving myself in the tower. I realized that the only right answers I have........ are for myself, I just didn't know I needed to ask the questions. But I finally did. And now my heroine has set me free.

So, now what.What happens next? Next I continue to be my own heroine. We never actually stop doing this for ourselves. We are a mischievous lot as humans and continue to lock ourselves away and have to break ourselves out a lot. So I remain a heroine, and a warioress (<---- more on her later).

Remember that while we are taught that heroines and hero's save the world....... how can you save the world if you can't save your self?






Thanks for reading!! I welcome your comments!

Counseling

I suppose this post was inevitable in some ways. For my second C in the Pagan Blog Project I'm going to talk about Counseling. I chose to speak about this partly because I'm working toward a degree in School Counseling.
I always felt like I was meant to be a counselor. Many people throughout my life have always come to me for advice and it was natural to give it. I am a helper by nature. I try not to overstep my bounds and stay neutral in situations. This in itself is a problem though, as sometimes this hinders me from saying what I really think the person needs to hear. Sometimes my being "too nice" is more of a flaw. But that is part of what I am learning in school.
I want to work with children. Young children, preferably elementary school.  I want to work with them before the negative influences and bullying really sink into their foundations. I want to help make a difference. But in addition to this, I also plan to become a Pagan Pastoral Counselor. I feel our community could use a few more of these. I find too often Counselors for other faiths but few for ours. How nice it would have been when family members passed to have someone to talk to that understood my faith. It would be nice to know that when/if I go into the hospital and they ask for your religious preference to be able to say Pagan and know that they would have someone they could call in for me if needed.

 People have been going to elders and wise ones since the beginning of time to get counsel.  I feel sometimes we have lost that. We have become a society of "toddlers"... you know the "I can do it myself" attitude. We need to remember its OK to ask advice. We need to have those in our lives we can get counsel from. That we can depend on.
This need I have for myself is also a need I feel for others. That is why I think it is part of my calling to be service to The Goddess. We have more than enough in our community who will be quick to put you down and tell you what you are doing wrong. I want to be one who, whether I practice the same as you are not, will be there to care and support.





Thank you for reading. I welcome all comments!!