Friday, September 14, 2012
Neverland... wheres my map?
I find that often times I hold myself back from really letting loose. This is usually because of the people around me. For instance, if I am with my children I really do try not to embarrass them. My husband on the other hand is the complete opposite in this regard and behaves however he wishes with little regard to who is around and how it will affect them. Which of course has led to some arguments.
This is why its about balance.... isn't everything in life about balance?
We need to find ways to live in our Neverland while still taking others into consideration. Now I'm not saying that we need to completely squelch who we are because of others, just keep them in mind. For instance, teenagers who are in the "imaginary audience" stage of life thinking everyone is watching them all the time should be thought of, trying to keep things at a minimum and being aware of what may make their life difficult. Especially the way kids are bullied today. On the other hand, these same kids need to see that its OK to be who you are and the world will not end if you do.
Also while behaving like a "Lost One" (because I think girls should be found in Neverland too, I wont call them all boys) from Neverland we need to look at our situation and those around us. This is not about "what will people think of me" it is about others feelings. Will this offend? Will this interfere with someone else? Will this hurt? Is this unkind? After we decided if this is appropriate behavior... just harmless fun.... then we can proceed.
This is the benefit to being an adult.... we have foresight and can make these choices before acting.
Unfortunately, I usually error on the side of caution and then do not act for fear that I will hurt someones feelings or bother them in some way. See this is my problem. I need to be able to find the balance with Neverland. I want to find my Neverland. To be able to do some things without overthinking. You see after I start thinking about the people around and how they will feel then I start thinking about all the other adult things that kill fun. You know things like... how much of a mess will this make that I have to clean up later.... or..... someone needs to be 100% attentive to the baby. While I allowed others to have fun... make the mess.... I have become a fun-hater in my own life. Holding myself back.
I watched a show the other day where a bunch of women jumped in a pool with their fancy dresses on.... and I thought I would love to do something fun like that.... then I started thinking ... about the dress and how will it be ruined and do they have other dry clothes to put on... and what about their hair and makeup..... seriously WTF.... I can't even THINK about doing something fun without ruining it!!
I think this comes from so many years of being the responsible one. When my mom died when I was 14 I took on a lot of responsibility.... then when my first husband died when I was 27 I had to raise 2 kids on my own .... more responsibility...... I am the responsible one. This has also made it so that everyone knows that I am the responsible one ... so they don't have to be...... so when fun is happening they don't have to ... clean up the mess afterward or be completely aware of the baby..... and I start to feel when I try to join in and let someone else take that responsibility they are not completely focused on what needs to be done and I have to jump in and be the responsible one anyway ...... Oh goodie more responsibility!!
I am finding that I am craving Neverland.... craving the ability to be free and fun. But I think it is easier to go from being carefree to responsible because that is the natural order of things.... it is much more difficult to go backward. Even now as I sit and think about how to do it... how to get to Neverland...... I start planning.... "OK, so I will need to talk to my husband and kids and make sure they will pick of the slack...... who will watch the baby.... and not just "kinda" watch the baby since that is what they are used to because they have always had me there to have all of my attention on her"..... there see...... I've already taken the fun out of fun. It would be so much easier if there was someone who would take all the responsibility for me and allow me to have some fun.... but you see, I have given everyone the gift of being the fun ones all the time they don't want to give it up. So the question becomes .... if I change.... will they change too?
I know that I NEED to find Neverland.... a change has to happen ... or I will have a breakdown! I must find my map to Neverland.
I need to Love my life again. I need to find my sparkle. I need to forget my age. I need to find what makes my he♥rt sing!