"Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men."
- Neil Gaiman

Monday, January 3, 2011

Resistance achieved....... I will not be assimilated

For the past 6 days I have wondered about with a remote control. This device (a spinal cord stimulator) is attached to a wire that goes into a small hole in my back and up my spine, resting near my spinal cord. It is supposed to be a pain management device, but "overloading" the nerves with sensations thereby reducing the pain felt......so not working. Mostly while still having chronic pain now I also have a strange vibrating feeling throughout my whole leg. Plus, have not been allowed to shower for 6 days...eww. And now even when I dont have my device turned on I am feeling weird sensations in my legs.

I go to the doc tomorrow morning to let him know how the trial of this device worked and if I want the permanent one implanted internally. My decision will be nope, I will not become Borg.

This trial has not been a complete waste however. As I tried all the different settings and ideas I could think of to make this work and it didn't I thought I would have become upset. But a strange thing happened, I found peace with my disorder. A number of thoughts ran through my head during this process, one of them being how unnatural this whole thing felt. I can't really explain it....just didn't feel right. That got me thinking......
I have been running from my pain and trying to find a way to get rid of it for 4 years......this week I really and truly accepted my pain. It is no longer a separate entity that I need to rid my body of. It IS me. A part of me. If I am to truly and wholly love myself I must love all parts of myself including my flaws, my pain being one of those flaws. I need to work with my pain instead of against it.

Before a great vision can become reality there may be difficulty. Before a person begins a great endeavor, they may encounter chaos. As a new plant breaks the ground with great difficulty, foreshadowing the huge tree, so must we sometimes push against difficulty in bringing forth our dreams. "Out of Chaos, Brilliant Stars are Born."

I am reborn.....not as a Borg as planned......but as the best thing I could come into this world as.....ME

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