So my head has been all swirly after a Full Moon Prayer Circle that took place at my home this week, so I thought I would write out whats spinning around in there so I can work some stuff out. In fact, I think this may also end up in my online Spiritual Journal. Lets begin.... at the beginning.
When I moved here I really wanted a social circle of women around me that were like-minded. I didn't require that they be Pagan and believe exactly as I do, since I believe no 2 paths are the same. But I wanted to surround myself with Goddess women. Women who embrace who they are shadows and all. Women who are caring and positive, non, judgmental, and who want to share their light with the world. Women who are also looking for a bond with other female energy. When I could not find a group like this, I created one on social media just for those in my area.
When I created the group I made it women only. I did this for a number of reasons. My husband is gone a lot for work so out of respect to him, as well as safety. I find that male energy shifts the energy in the room. Many women do not seem to relate the same or behave the same when a male energy is present. Most men I have met seem to 'take over' or try to be the leader in some sense and I didn't want this group to be a hierarchy, but more of a council, a gathering, with everyone taking her turn showcasing her beauty and gifts. When I started the group I was sure no one would join, just as so many parties I have tried to throw with no guests arriving. To my surprise the numbers grew quickly. This made my heart soar. But it wasn't until our first large get together that I realized not only the amazing group I am a part of, but also why I truly started the group and what I really needed from them all.
Our first gathering was a prayer circle done on the Full Moon. The energy was high and it was soooo positive. I am a shy person by nature around strangers, so to have to 'run' anything is very difficult around people I do not know. It all went wonderfully, but it wasn't really until the next day when it all really hit home.
As I reflected on the evening before I had a realization. Hmmmmmm.... how to begin this part?
You see my mother died one week after my 14th birthday. I was raised in a house with just my dad and my brother. My dad was raised in a way that I would consider very cold, so he did not learn how to show love although he tried in his own way (usually in the form of cash.. "hey I love you heres $20 for a movie" kinda way). I never had anyone step into that motherly role. I never had any elder female to look up to or learn from. As life went on I tried to find some.... they all also died (yes there is a trend of this in my life, including my first husband and later my father). But you see this has kept me from really embracing my female energy. I have worked to become independent to not need anyone (you know cus they all die anyway). I wanted to be a tough independent woman. The problem with this is that it has kept me from being able to admit I needed an elder female in my life. It has kept me from being able to ask for help, advice and comfort. I am taking ASL courses and you must look everyone in the eye, I can not do this. I can not do this with my husband. I feel too vulnerable. I don't want to be vulnerable.... I want to be that tough independent woman. But to be tough, I must be vulnerable. In order to help others, I must be able to ask for help myself.
As I was processing all of this information about myself I started thinking about women in general. And I realized something else. I realized that once the Feminine Divine was forced into the background of society there was a shift. Women went from being the wise ones, the healers, the council. How we once worked together, we were now separated. Kept at home away from each other to tend only to the home. Once we were separated it was easy to divide and conquer. I believe this is when the comparing came into being. We began to compare ourselves to the other women. Who keeps a better home, who looks better, who raises a better family. I'm sure this was perpetuated by those in charge to not only keep us doing for them, but also to keep us fighting amongst ourselves so that bringing the Feminine Divine back into our lives would be that much more difficult. And there was another shift. We started getting some power back. But as a group we have all been fighting to show that we are tough independent women. We have been afraid to be vulnerable. We have been comparing and judging each other for so long we must re-learn how to just be with each other. We have to remember that we can not only learn from each other but teach each other so much.
That is what this group did, with only one meeting. This group reminded me that while I look to the Goddess as my mother now, I still need yearn for elders to inspire and teach me. That I do have things to teach others. That strength is not only found in independence but also in vulnerability. But most importantly it showed me how wonderful it is to be bathed in the feminine power and energy. I will teach what I can and learn so much from every one of my wonderful Goddess Women!!