Well......here we are again..... This is the second week for the letter F on the Pagan Blog Project. For a while now I had planned this week to be about the Folk Self, while I don't remember where I first heard the term, I really enjoy the idea of ancestral memory and that you already know the answers you just need to remember. However, as with most things in life that we try to plan out, things often take a turn. So this week I hear Goddess telling me to speak about family.
I will give a brief family history to better understand the ramblings of this blog. I suppose let me start with this days events. Early this morning my lovely mother-in-law journeyed to Summerland after a lengthy battle with cancer. Also this morning my Grandmother had hip surgery after passing out yesterday. These events have brought family to the forefront of my thoughts. Watching my MIL battle with cancer, especially over the past week, brought back many memories for me. You see when I was little I was very close to my mother (and even have some suspicion that she had, shall we say, Pagan tendencies). When my best friend disappeared (parents up and moved with little warning and no forwarding info) my mom became my best friend. However, 1 week after my 14th birthday (on Aug 23 <--- this date will be pertinent later) my mother suddenly, without warning, died. This shook my world to the core. Life went on, all be it in a duller light for me. Later on in life the other person whom I was closest with, my Grandfather, passed away. Again, I tried to pull it together and go on. I lost a few more family members over the next few years. But I was shook up again when my first husband had a heart attack and died in front of me and our 2 children (ages 4, and 2). A few more family members passed, then 6 years ago, my father passed from cancer. All in all I have now lost 13 close family/friends. At times I feel as if I am destined to be without those I loved.
I mentioned the date my mother passed earlier as August 23, other events also occurred on August 23rd. My father had his first heart attack, and my grandmother was hit by a car while riding a bike. And this past year my 7 month old daughter was born on August 23rd. I found this to be a special ray of sunshine that I needed for that day.
So, all of this depressing talk explains why I feel a need to talk about family today. I find that I feel as if I am constantly searching for a family that is still on this Earth. While I have a few family members left I am not close with them. There are people in my life that I have found and feel a deep family connection with. That best friend that disappeared over 20 years ago...... I found her on Facebook about 3 years ago. And we still have a tight connection....... in fact I found out that she is also Pagan! I also feel very spiritually connected to my husband and children (kinda obvious on those ones right? lol)
Now to bring this around to my Witchyness. While everything I have done on my path has been alone for the most part (my hubby is now starting to participate). I never considered myself a solitary. While I have no one around in my practice, I still feel my ancestors with me ...so I have family. I feel the interconnectedness of the world...... so I have family. I have some wonderful "sister" and "brother" Pagans I have met online.... so I have family.
I started today wondering why there is so much loss around me. Why my
husband has to endure this pain I know all to well. Why my children have
lost yet another Grandparent. Wishing I had an elder, or mentor, or someone I could go to, learn from, support me. I think of all the questions I would ask those who have gone to Summerland if I could. I think of all the people who take family for granted and do not appreciate the time they have. I have also thought about birthdays lately. We have lost site of why we celebrate birthdays. It has become so mundane..... cake.... card..... present. But we NEED to celebrate life. Celebrate Family. So when it is someones birthday celebrate that they are still here..... .tell them that you are happy they were born!!
Family is important in my faith. I crave it. I may even come off as needy to some when I haven't spoken to them in a while. But, I know what loss is. I know what it is like to feel alone and without family.
So I end today realizing that I am not as alone as I feel sometimes. That I am not cursed to live alone. That Divine has reason for me experiencing all that I have. That I need to find and expand my spiritual family. And that when Goddess speaks to me, I seem to ramble on and on, and find a few tangents along the way.
On a side note........ I also discovered something about myself through all of this. I find that I seem to have 2 speeds when it comes to emotions, especially regarding death. I either feel very deeply and find it difficult to function, or I turn all emotion off so I feel little to nothing. This brings up questions in my mind if I may possibly be an empath and have not learned how to handle that. Hmmmmmm...... something to explore a little I think.
I am Happy and Grateful YOU were born! Thanks for reading!