"Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men."
- Neil Gaiman

Saturday, November 20, 2010


It is close to Thanksgiving and everyone is talking about what they are thankful for. I started thinking that I would help my children out by giving them a short quick list of the things moms do. Some of these were found around the web, some are my own.

  • I used to lift their ass in the air, in public, for a quick sniff to check for a mud filled diaper.
  • I have wiped snot off their little faces with my bare hand.
  • When they would come to me with clenched fist to hand me something "special", I would take it without question; only to find out it was a booger, chewed up food, or small dead thing.
  • I have used spit and my thumb to clean their little faces.
  • I used to go days without a shower.
  • I clapped proudly at my baby's first fart.
  • I got excited over poopy diapers
  • I have been puked on, spit-up on, and peed on, and and somehow reacted as if this was normal and not gross at all. Just clean it up and change my clothes (8 times a day).
  • I have sat Indian-style on the floor, impersonating Yogi Bear as I string fruit loops into colorful necklaces.
  • I have sat through a full hour of Kids Bop on the CD player of my car without a nervous breakdown.
  • I can make dinner, sweep the kitchen floor, talk to my best friend on the phone, pay bills and clean out the junk drawer in the kitchen in all of 15 minutes.
  • I volunteer in the kids' classrooms, memorizing all 26 of the children's names and their favorite zoo animals. However, being a mom has catapulted me into the early stages of Alzheimers. I can never find my car keys or my car for that matter. I attribute this to the birthing process; convinced significant amounts of brain cells exit the body along with the placenta.
  • I have slept on the floor next to the crib with my hand permanently stuck between the railings
  • I have made food into shapes (bears, bunnies) and referred to green beans as fingers just to get the kids to eat.
  • I found myself telling them that when they lie a red dot appears on their foreheads that only adults can see, (at which point they would hold their hands over their foreheads when lying to me). Yes I lied to my children to teach them not to lie.
  • I have found myself in arguments defending my position that giraffes are indeed an orange color and not yellow.
  • I have used up all of my air freshener as “Monster Spray” to rid their rooms of scary things.
  • I have found out I have magical powers. I have discovered I am the only person in this house that can see dirt and knows when it is time to clean it up. I would have preferred invisibility.
So this is it, this is who I have become. I was strange when I was single, but now I am just loony. As insane as all of this sounds, I am thankful for every moment of it and would not change it for anything. So yes my children should be thankful for what I have done, but I am even more thankful for what they have done for me.

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