"Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men."
- Neil Gaiman

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Stand Still.....Look Pretty

Been busy baking a bun in the oven so haven't really been blogging a lot. But I saw an article today that was about the 5 things not to say to a woman in labor. All of the things on the list were a little obvious such as don't say "so when do you want another one", it can't hurt that much"....and other death wish statements. This provoked me to share my birth plan with everyone (don't worry, this will contain any TMI).

Stand still.....look pretty......this is my birth plan. No joke, this is what I told the hospital and my family who will be in the room with me. Basically everyone's job (except me of course) is to stand still and look pretty. Do not ask me questions (ie. do you want ice chips? how about a washcloth?) or touch me, or count while I am breathing (unless I am hyperventilating). I'm a big girl, if I want something I will ask you for it, if I want a massage I will ask you for it, and I know how to breath and can count all by my big girl self. When I ask for something just smile and do it.....quickly. They have all been informed that if they do not follow this plan I am not responsible for my reaction, and they are then not allowed to hold that reaction against me.

Going back to the article I spoke about I would like to add some other specific statements to the list of things not to say (please add your own in the comments section if you choose).
Please do not say (before, during or after my labor)....
"So is this your last?".....yes I'm older I get it. I have 2 preteens already and will now have an infant, but I am not ancient and just because we are so used to 16 year olds having children now does not mean that I am some old spinster that should retire my womb. Not to mention it makes me want to have another one just to prove y'all wrong!

"Calm down, it's almost over"..... You have no idea how long this will last and neither do I. And even if it only takes 3 more minutes...those are the absolute longest 3 minutes in the history of the world! I don't even think I need to speak about why its wrong to EVER tell a woman to "calm down", as this should be explained by fathers everywhere to their boys at the onset of puberty.
"You still look pretty good...considering".....considering what? the fact that I'm pushing your watermelon sized child out a hole the size of a grape?
"Hey, on the bright side you will be losing about 14 pounds in the next few hours".......... It is never OK to talk about weight loss with a woman, and definitely not when her hormones are going for a roller coaster ride.

"The woman in the next room is not as loud as you" or "the woman in the next room is screaming really loud , do you hear her. Oh my God are you scared?"......I don't care what the woman in the next room is doing.

"My mom said that when she gave birth it was really easy with no drugs and she was back to doing all her normal activities the next day." ........ Never ever compare your woman to your mother....its rude, wrong and well.... a little creepy.

I think, in short, the point is..... Stand still.....look pretty.

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